The word "mother" has always caused an uncomfortable response to my mind and body. It's not that I don't like the word or it's broad meaning, but I've never liked what it meant for me personally. I hate what the word "mother" forces me to remember and ruminate on. I didn't have the lovely upbringing that people seem to think I had and instead was forced to face reality as a small child that my mother was an absent parent who had better things to do than be there for a child she chose to conceive. In a lot of ways, her selfishness probably saved me from additional years of heartache and mental/emotional abuse. That's my silver lining.
Life wasn't always that "peaceful" though, because at some point, her absence became presence. She became "present" in my life again, which was honestly worse than her being absent. Experiencing parental absence even in the presence of that same parent is insanity at it's finest and it damn near drove me mad. I can still hear the echoes of her yelling and putting me down. Her talking badly about me to others to make herself appear to be something that she wasn't, all while making me the villain in all her tales. I've been told things like "just get over it" because she's human and we all make mistakes. I get that. We are all human and we do make mistakes but if we always overlook our mistakes and the mistakes of others, then are we ever truly leaving room for growth and healing? I think not. I speak my truth because my truth sets me free and it heals me along the way. My truth may make others uncomfortable but that discomfort is something that they have to sit with, not me. I will never silence myself for the comfort of others, instead, those people can cover their ears and eye's while I preach. I've dedicated my life to healing from things and people that have hurt me and I will be on this healing journey forever. Remember that healing is not a straight line and never will be. Healing is a rollercoaster and it's hell of a wild ride but it's so worth it in the end.
I'm sending my love to those that have dealt with or are currently dealing with parental wounds. It's not easy but it is possible to heal and grow. Don't give up<3
